Becoming Me

Life-altering losses. Multiple moves. Disillusioning disappointments. Mountaintop moments. Beautiful beaches. All in the past eighteen months. My life has been a whirlwind of change. I’ve been homeless – but never without a place to lay my head. I’ve been jobless – but miraculously able to pay my bills. I’ve felt lost, alone, abandoned, betrayed, broken and confused. I’ve seen gorgeous sunrises and sunsets in multiple states. I’ve hiked the Rockies and strolled both the east and west coasts. I’ve made amazing new friends and missed old ones. I’ve questioned virtually everything – from my salvation to my sanity. But this had no resemblance of all the great things I had envisioned for my life – especially by my mid-thirties. I was supposed to have an adoring husband, maybe a couple of kids, several records, a worldwide ministry and a beautifully restored theatre for all the wonderful productions we’d do for free. What I DO have is a precious Golden Retriever, a great Macbook and an awesome Jeep. I also have close friends and family – but have felt distance (some from my own doing, some theirs). In the past couple of months, I’ve reconnected with family – and have been shockingly surprised by the realization that though I love them dearly, I can’t “go back”. Though kind and well-meaning, I can sense the pity they feel for me. It’s not the way things should be. I need my own family, my own home, my own life. And as much as I love my dog, Macbook and Jeep…something’s missing. I’ve struggled with others opinions about me, and the choices I’ve made. I’ve felt shame about not meeting the expectations of those who had such high hopes for me. I’ve retraced my steps – looking for where I got off track, straining to understand why I’m here, why things that seem so normal for everyone else are inexplicably beyond my grasp. I was raised in a Christian home. My parents did their absolute best. I asked Jesus into my heart at three. I was baptized with water at seven, and the Holy Spirit at nine. I lived with and cared for my ailing grandfather, putting my life on hold for nearly four years. I gained a degree from a Christian university and a certificate in Pastoral Care and Biblical Counseling from a three-year internship through my church. I’ve helped feed the homeless, mentored young women, tutored struggling students, befriended the friendless, volunteered for various ministries, etc., etc., etc. I’ve prayed, fasted, read the Bible through multiple times…never realizing that all these things were subconscious attempts to gain approval - God’s approval, my family’s approval, my leader’s approval, my friend’s approval - a performance. Not that I was trying to put on an act, I was simply trying to be the best follower of Jesus I could be, sincerely. I’ve had to un-learn a lot of what I thought I knew about God, myself and life in general. I’m learning how much God loves me – regardless of what I do or don’t do. I’m learning how to love and be loved by Love Himself – and it’s changing everything – every thought, every action, every decision. This is only the beginning. I know God is good all the time and that He has never forsaken me – that’s something I didn’t have to un-learn. But the actuality of those facts becoming a reality in my moment-by-moment life is transformational – and get this, I didn’t do anything to deserve it! So, that’s where I am. Living loved and accepted by Love and loving Love back. I’m learning how to hear Him without any preconceived ideas and genuinely becoming who He intended me to be all along…I’ll keep you posted.

It's been quite some time since I've been inspired to post a new blog but this morning as I was reading Psalm 71, I was suddenly ablaze with inspiration! Though I read it early today, I've been looking back over it, re-reading, speaking it out loud and prophetically declaring & claiming it as mine.

Take a look and read verses 5-8, 12, 16, 18 & 23 out loud and slowly with me:

"You are my hope; O Lord God, You are my trust from my youth and the source of my confidence. Upon You have I leaned and relied from birth, You are He Who took me from my mother's womb and have been my benefactor from that day. My praise is continually of You. I am as a wonder and surprise to many, but You are my strong refuge. My mouth shall be filled with Your praise and with Your honor all the day. O God, be not far from me! O my God, make haste to help me! I will come in the strength and with the mighty acts of the Lord God; I will mention and praise Your righteousness, even Yours alone. ...keep me alive until I have declared Your mighty strength to this generation, and Your might and power to all that are to come. My lips shall shout for joy when I sing praises to You, and my inner being, which You have redeemed."

WOW! Does that do anything for anyone else? I mean - WOAH! (Flashback to Joey from Blossom)

*God is my hope.
*God is my trust.
*God is the source of my confidence.
*God is my benefactor.
*God has made me a wonder.
*God has made me a surprise.
*God is my strong refuge.
*God is not far from me.
*God makes haste to help me.
*God keeps me alive.
*God has redeemed me.
SO
*I lean on God.
*I rely on God.
*My praise is continually of God.
*My mouth is filled with praise to God.
*My mouth is filled with honor to God.
* I will come in the strength of God.
*I will come with the mighty acts of God.
*I will mention the righteousness of God.
*I will praise the righteousness of God.
*I will declare to this generation the mighty strength of God.
*I will declare to all who are to come the might and power of God.
*My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to God.
*My inner being will shout for joy because I have been redeemed by God.

Yup! I'm owning this one and putting it into action! Every bit of it! Let me know whether or not the Holy Spirit is prompting you to do the same.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments, etc. regarding these verses and the promises within them.

Identity

About 15 years ago, someone gave me a prophetic word that said, "You don't need a location for your identification. Your identification is in Me." That has really stood out to me over the past month or so.

I've also realized that my identity is not in my job, my significant other, my family, where I worship, my friends and associates, my amazing Jeep, the house I live in, the things I have acquired or even my precious Golden Retriever. My identity is not in my physical appearance, my talents, my personality or my connections.

All I am and all I ever need/want/desire/aspire to be is wrapped up in Jesus. He is my identity...and I'm continuing to be transformed into His likeness. What a process! I'm so thankful He has that kind of patience!! :)

Where do you find your identity? Is your worth the sum total of all your earthly belongings? Do you see yourself as a construction worker, doctor, secretary, accountant, teacher, mom, dad, sibling? Do you long for acceptance and approval from those in your workplace, school, church?

Let me encourage you to ask Jesus to show you your true worth in Him. He has all the acceptance, approval and identity you could ever need!

Move Forward!

Things are changing.

Change is constant.

Life is short.

Generally, I'm not all that introspective. Recently, however, I've been doing a lot of soul searching - asking God a lot of questions and wanting to make something of this life I've been given. I'm cutting my losses, removing relationships that are not helpful, and pursuing those that are mutually beneficial and God-ordained.

It's my hope that anyone reading this blog post will do the same. Remind God of His words and promises to you. Read the prophetic words that have been spoken over your life. Move forward into all that God's called you to accomplish. Don't allow others to speak doubt and unbelief into your life. Refuse to allow others' opinions to sway you from the path God's called you to walk - regardless of whether they like it, understand it or support it.

You are a unique creation with a specific and special place in this world. You're important and needed. Don't give up on the dreams God's given you. Move forward!

A Season of Dissonance

My dear friend and former roommate, Merari, was praying for me over the phone last week. She referred to the current "season" of my life as a season of dissonance. As she continued to pray, she correlated this season to a musical score and how the use of dissonance gives the listener a cue that a change is coming.

Webster's defines dissonance as:

1 a : lack of agreement; especially : inconsistency between the beliefs one holds or between one's actions and one's beliefs b : an instance of such inconsistency or disagreement
2 : a mingling of discordant sounds; especially : a clashing or unresolved musical interval or chord

Since early last year, I have been in transition. There have been many moves and changes. Though I have grown in a multitude of ways, my deepest growth has been in my trust and reliance on God.

On June 1st I moved from Franklin, TN to Orlando, FL. I spent three months there before moving to the Denver, CO area. Needless to say, nothing has been easy. It's been sad to see that many people I have loved and considered family have seemingly forgotten about me - out of sight, out of mind. It's been frustrating to feel "homeless", "restless", "forgotten"...For the first time in my life I have battled nearly debilitating depression - feeling I'd rather go to heaven than remain here. It's difficult to even share this part of the journey I've had over the past nine months & I'm certainly not sharing it in an attempt to gain sympathy. I want to share what God has done and is doing through this journey.

I can't express the thankfulness I have for my family, friends and Magellan! People (and pets) who have prayed for me ceaselessly, loved me continually, & supported me constantly. They truly believe in me and my desire to follow God - regardless of what it looks like or requires - whether they understand it or not. One thing God has shown me through this journey is what a true friend looks like. He's shown me what love is & He's healed me from the depression I was being oppressed by. He's an amazing God.

We all need those who will pray, love and trust us unconditionally. My prayer is that I am a friend/family member who exemplifies those qualities to those in my life.

The journey continues & as I've written before, God gave me the word "transformational" for 2010. Things are changing - in my heart, in my mind, in my emotions, in the physical realm around me along with the spiritual realm. Things have been dissonant. However, I believe God is the ultimate conductor of my life & that "mingling of discordant sounds; especially : a clashing or unresolved intervals" will come to an amazing climax & surprisingly fantastical resolve...as I continue to pursue Him with all I am...He is faithful & He continues to transform me - from glory to glory!

A Lot to Chew On

Psalm 37:3-9 really stuck out to me as I read that chapter this morning.

Verse 4 is very familiar and sparked a question as I read it once again. It says, "Delight yourself also in the Lord and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart." What popped out at me was the word "also". I looked back at the previous verses.

The third verse reads, "Trust (lean on, rely on and be confident) in the Lord, and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed."

So, if we 1. Trust in the Lord 2. Do good 3. Delight ourselves in the Lord THEN we'll 1. Dwell in the Land 2. Feed on His faithfulness (and be fed) 3. Be given the desires and secret petitions of our hearts. Now, that's some good stuff right there!

Going on in verses 5-9 are a bunch more promises (dependent upon our obedience). "Commit your way to the Lord - roll and repose [each care of] your load on Him; trust (lean on, rely on and be confident) also in Him, and He will bring it to pass."

"And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday."

"Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him, and patiently stay yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass."

"Cease from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself; it tends only to evil-doing."

"For evildoers shall be cut off; but those who wait and hope and look for the Lord, [in the end] shall inherit the earth."

I'm still chewing on all of this...

Play-It-Safe Lackeys Prohibited

It seems that I'm daily reminded that I need to let Jesus be in charge and there's always more in God - that I'm supposed to live a life full of signs, wonders and miracles following me because I'm possessed by Jesus and He's coming out all over!

In Matthew 21:21& 22, "Jesus said, 'If you embrace this kingdom life and don't doubt God, you'll not only do minor feats like I did to the fig tree, but also triumph over huge obstacles. This mountain, for instance, you'll tell, 'Go jump in the lake,' and it will jump. Absolutely everything ranging from small to large, as you make it a part of your believing prayer, gets included as you lay hold of God'."

Embrace Kingdom Life & Lay Hold of God

Matthew 25:26, 28-30 reads, "The master was furious. 'That's a terrible way to live! It's criminal to live cautiously like that! Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this 'play-it-safe' who won't go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness'."

It's Criminal to live Cautiously & Risk = Reward

Jesus was living life, walking through a field with His disciples. Some of the guys pulled some grains off the stalks and ate them. The Pharisees were furious - always pointing to the letter of the law and finding ways to make the true believers and followers of Jesus look like irreverent blasphemers (while actually incriminating themselves as loveless hypocrites). They were overwrought by the idea that His disciples did "work" on the "Sabbath". Jesus is quoted in Mark 2:28 as saying, "The Sabbath was made to serve us; we weren't made to serve the Sabbath. The Son of Man is no lackey to the Sabbath. He's in charge."

Serving Religion brings Condemnation & Serving Jesus brings Freedom

So...I'm embracing Kingdom life & laying hold of God. I refuse to live cautiously regarding any aspect of my life. I will risk anything and everything to fulfill all God destined for me. I will serve Jesus and live in His freedom, regardless of what anyone may say or think of my actions. No play-it-safe lackeys here!